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Sometimes I wonder, what if I’d been older when I had my kids? If I’d worked through my hella long list of issues before I became their everything? Would I have handled a marriage ending and the dizzying onslaught of solo parenting better? Would they be better off? Or are we exactly where we need to be for the journeys we’re meant to take with the specific strengths we’ll need along the way? 

I wish I could say it’s easy to stop looking back and to have faith that you’re where you’re meant to be at the moment while acknowledging you’re not where you’ll end up. But it isn’t always easy. It takes work. Daily reminders that the now, your present circumstances, is not all there is. And even when the now sucks, there’s joy to be had, optimism to find, and the you you wish to be can shine through. 

For many if us that requires a combo of faith, prayer, and mindfulness. I’m wishing you success at it today and every day, even as I work at it myself. #faithwalk 

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Have you ever seen the Chris Rock standup where he rags on n***as? “A n***a will say some shit like, “I take care of my kids.” You’re supposed to, you dumb motherfucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that?” (Yes, the “n” word is more offensive to me than shit.)
Well, I think I’ve been acting a little n***erish lately. Or at least I need to be on the lookout for slipping into a similar mindset. I’ve done my share of handwringing (even if it’s only in my head) about the burden of my responsibility… and how unfair it is that it all falls on me… and there’s been lots of giving myself a free pass for fun because, you know, things are sooo hard. Ugh, smack me. Would I have it any other way and not be the one responsible for my children? Hell no. Do I deserve to have fun? Hell yes, but it’s because I deserve to be a well-rounded person, making time for the things I find rejuvenating. Not because I need payback for making the hard decisions and being the grownup.

I signed on for this when I had those kids — granted, I had no idea the reality of what that’d mean but I signed on for this. And my love for them has me fully invested in making the right decisions for them and that’s the biggest, best motivator I could ever have. So I cannot insult that love by turning it into some loathsome thing that I need to escape at times. (But every parent I know recognizes that feeling of needing to be away from their kids sometimes.) ┬áBalance. I know that is what it’s about. And if I keep my mind right, it will all work out.

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