Have you ever seen the Chris Rock standup where he rags on n***as? “A n***a will say some shit like, “I take care of my kids.” You’re supposed to, you dumb motherfucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that?” (Yes, the “n” word is more offensive to me than shit.)
Well, I think I’ve been acting a little n***erish lately. Or at least I need to be on the lookout for slipping into a similar mindset. I’ve done my share of handwringing (even if it’s only in my head) about the burden of my responsibility… and how unfair it is that it all falls on me… and there’s been lots of giving myself a free pass for fun because, you know, things are sooo hard. Ugh, smack me. Would I have it any other way and not be the one responsible for my children? Hell no. Do I deserve to have fun? Hell yes, but it’s because I deserve to be a well-rounded person, making time for the things I find rejuvenating. Not because I need payback for making the hard decisions and being the grownup.

I signed on for this when I had those kids — granted, I had no idea the reality of what that’d mean but I signed on for this. And my love for them has me fully invested in making the right decisions for them and that’s the biggest, best motivator I could ever have. So I cannot insult that love by turning it into some loathsome thing that I need to escape at times. (But every parent I know recognizes that feeling of needing to be away from their kids sometimes.)  Balance. I know that is what it’s about. And if I keep my mind right, it will all work out.